| On
the Value of Wandering in the Desert
A
feature of our society (and my personality) that
I have found to be difficult in pursuing consciousness
is our tendency to value progress and the achieving
of goals. While it has brought us (and me) many
things, it can also be a formidable obstacle.
Most ancient societies understood the occasional
need to stop trying to move forward and "be"
with whatever question or issue is eating at us.
Jesus and John the Baptist spent time in reflection
in the desert, as the Buddha did in the forest.
Why, then, do we expect ourselves as productive
moderns to never need this spiritual "time
out"? (If you want to check your own relationship
to this issue, see how you feel about pulling
the Hanged Man tarot card or Isa, the ice rune.)
In
the past year I have been coming out of a particularly
long tour in the desert: my wanderings began when
I abruptly left the Pathways Institute staff in
February of 1998. My feeling was that I had lost
my way, and had given up on my own spiritual development.
This was an extremely painful experience for me,
as I had had a profound and moving vision of myself
as a Pathways Institute workshop conductor for
the foreseeable future. My return to technology
work paid the bills, but did nothing to ease my
internal pain and confusion.
Recently
reading The Heart Aroused, I encountered a section
where David Whyte writes very eloquently about
this state, and how it serves. I wish I had read
it then instead of now! He writes that when we
are in this state, we can only say "no"
to what we know isn't the way, even though we
cannot see the way. I am grateful for the faith
I was able to muster, allowing me to say over
and over again that "this isn't the thing
for me", or "this sounds like a great
opportunity, but it just doesn't feel right."
It
was only after some five years of saying "no"
that the fog began to lift. I am very grateful
to the mentoring of Keith Merron and also to Marcia
Wieder's Dream Coach University for providing
me with the vehicles I needed to find my way again.
In one of those really amusing cosmic ironies,
I have discovered that my purpose is to help others
find their path, in the deepest sense. As Vicki
Post pointed out to me, I had to spend a long
time wandering in the desert before I could become
a fully qualified "tour guide" for desert
wanderings. (It's a lot more amusing now on the
other side, I can tell you.)
With
my newfound clarity have come newfound abilities:
I am able to guide my clients to their own soul's
purpose in the matter of a few hours. I can tell
when people are speaking from their souls and
from their egos. (I can even release the part
of me that is annoyed that I can lead others to
their purpose so quickly, after I paid so dearly
for mine!) It is clear to me in retrospect that
I could have easily aborted this prolonged initiation
in my need to move forward, to have something
to cling to, in my pain at feeling so lost.
I offer
these musings as a ray of hope and compassion
to those of you who may still be out there wandering.
Do not let feeling lost convince you that you
are not on your path! Being lost can be part of
your path. Embrace it, and you will find your
way again that much sooner
Blessings,
Tim
Kelley
Return
to Soulwork
|
